May 23, 2016
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**Warning, this episode contains adult language.**
Episode #16 features clips from the following episodes (please click below for hyperlink to episodes):
This episode was produced by Rose Reid, Sarah Abdurrahman, and Brittany Luse, with help from Kate Parkinson-Morgan.
It was edited by Annie-Rose Strasser.
Our theme music was made by Micah Vellian and our ad music was made by Mark Phillips.
The show was mixed by Matthew Boll and David Herman.
Thanks to Ellie Gordon-Moershel for alerting us to The Crimson Wave clip and to Jennifer Liao for the Doug Loves Movies clip.
Sampler is a production of Gimlet Media.
Framebridge (For 15% off your first order, go to Framebridge.com and enter the promo code SAMPLER)
BRITTANY LUSE: Hi I’m Brittany Luse and welcome to Sampler, the show were we play you handpicked moments from podcasts you just have to hear. So today’s show is pretty exciting, we have on Kid Fury and Crissle, hosts of the podcast The Read. So on The Read every single week Kid Fury and Crissle just go through basically the gutter of pop culture and celebrity news and just make fun of famous and talk about music and talk a lot about Beyonce. The show’s really funny, and I think a little bit on the profane side. So if you have any children around, i think now would be a good time to kick them out of the room or put on some earbuds. But this episode is going to be a really special treat. Because you actually rarely hear the two of them together — Kid Fury and Crissle— outside of their show, so I feel really honored that they were able to come into Gimlet studios and sit down with me.
BRITTANY: So I'm playing a special podcast playlist today, for the people that first inspired me to get into podcasting...
CRISSLE: That's huge.
BRITTANY: Kid Fury and Crissle, the hosts of the Read.
KID FURY: Oh you're talking about us...
BRITTANY: I'm talking about y'all.
KID FURY: I was like, oh this must be a really great show.
BRITTANY: You thought it was like, this is your life, and the door opens up and people came...
KID FURY: I thought it was going to be like some really important show.
BRITTANY: No it's your show.
CRISSLE: Thank you.
KID FURY: Well thanks.
CRISSLE: That's very kind.
BRITTANY: Some of the things I love about your show is that you guys have all of these different commingling aspects. So one of the big things you guys talk about is celebrity gossip. So really quickly for listeners that might not be familiar with the Read, we have a little clip of that particular aspect of your show: You have like, celebrity gossip. Let’s hear a little of that:
————-Clip from The Read's "Kanye, Shut Your Black Ass Up"————-
CRISSLE: The Kardashians are total white trash…
CRISSLE: It’s utter garbage and I am living for it.
BRITTANY: You guys have the Reads at the end of the show, where you basically read a situation... could it be said that you read a situation that you're displeased with?
KID FURY: Yes.
BRITTANY: If you want to explain colloquially what a read is, it's a takedown, it's like, just picking off every single thing that is not working or is... like abhorrent about what somebody is doing.
KID FURY: In most fashions, yes.
KID FURY: I mean it could just literally be like you saying, oh it's a wonderful April Day. And I'd be like "It's May girl" That's a read too.
BRITTANY: Exactly, exactly, but I mean in the context of you guys' show, you guys, I mean you have... like a longer rant... but you guys are also politically and socially aware... So you have this week in black excellence at the top of the show, which is a beautiful counteraction to ...
CRISSLE: Everything else in the show.
KID FURY: Everything else.
BRITTANY: [laughs] Everything else... where you pick, usually a young person who is just doing something positive and doing something exceptional.
KID FURY: Well that is something I did because we were always talking about black celebrities sniffing coke and saying something stupid on social media, or... you know, horrible black relationships, or why black boyfriends ain't shit.
KID FURY: And then we would read white people for mistreating black people. So it was just like, there's no positive part of this...
KID FURY: So let's talk about some really sickening, super smart, super talented black people, and then we'll go talk about the rest of that bullshit. So at least somebody can mention some good black behavior or activity or accomplishments.
CRISSLE: Something good.
KID FURY: Something nice. Please.
BRITTANY: You know, it reminds me of like, when I was a kind I was in fourth grade we had to do... like current events or something like that, you had to do like one a month or something. And I used to always get mine from Jet Magazine [laughs].
KID FURY: That's a great place to get it...
BRITTANY: Yeah and I used to only want to when I was a child... get them from Jet, from Jet Magazine... and like one of the things I liked is that they had a list in the back of... like... when a black person was going to be on TV... that week.
BRITTANY: And it was just like, it was a signal boost, and that's kind of how I feel about the This Week in Black Excellence, you know that when you start the show you're going to hear something that like a black person is doing that's really exciting and fun… One of my other favorite things about your show though was that You guys have a segment where you guys answer listener letters.
KID FURY: Oh yes.
CRISSLE: Oh boy.
BRITTANY: The thing I like a lot about your letter listeners is that they start off being about one thing and then they end up someplace else altogether... in the first clip I'm going to play for you guys, reminds me of exactly that. it's from a Canadian podcast called The Crimson Wave. Um, the show is actually all about periods...
KID FURY: The Crimson Wave.
BRITTANY: The Crimson Wave.
CRISSLE: I love it.
KID FURY: Oh my god...
BRITTANY: [laughs] It's hosted by, Jess Beaulieu and Natalie Norman, and in this particular episode, they're interviewing a comedian named Ashley Moffatt. So Jess and Natalie ask Ashley about her first period, and Ashley shares this story from her middle school years.
CRISSLE: Oh god... I automatically feel so bad for her.
KID FURY: I just don't know how I'm going to do this...
CRISSLE: Because I have been this girl...
———————Clip from "The Crimson Wave" ———————
ASHLEY MOFFATT: So I was in the sixth grade, and um, me and my friends after school we went to Valley Park Community Center, which is in Hamilton where I grew up, and uh were were all going to go swimming, all my friends were there, and I was wearing a yellow neon bathing suit…
ASHLEY: So I shit my bathing suit, but then I was like "YEAH YOU GUYS ARE ASSHOLES. I HAVE MY PERIOD. SCREW YOU GUYS." And then everyone from that point on thought I had my period, and I lied about it for two years. I didn't get my period until two years later and everyone thought that I had my period. It was just me and Irene at school who had our periods, but I didn't actually have my period, and she would be like "oh Ashley, do you want uh, can you lend me a tampon" and I didn't freaking no, so I'd be like "oh sorry girl, no... I'm wearing all three of mine. Sorry." Because I didn't know.
CRISSLE: Whoa my god.
KID FURY: “Sorry” reminded me it was Canadian.
CRISSLE: Whew sorry that got me... Wow, what a mess.
KID FURY: That was hilarious.
CRISSLE: That did not go where I thought it was... yikes...
KID FURY: I was going to be like, they're so mean, making fun of, saying this girl...
CRISSLE: The fact that she kept the lie up for two years is what got me... she was dedicated.
KID FURY: To the point where her friend was asking her for tampons... instead of being like I don’t have any.
CRISSLE: She doesn't even know what she's talking about... how does this bitch never have tampons, when they’re the only two people with their periods. The jig would've been up. Oh my god.
KID FURY: You shit your pants, didn't you?
CRISSLE: Like you had to, you really shit your bathing suit...
KID FURY: Fucking liar.
CRISSLE: Girl. Amazing.
BRITTANY: It's like, I feel like that's the fear when you first get your period when you're in middle school is you're just like, everyone is going to see it...
KID FURY: Well I'm not sure.
BRITTANY: But it's not, it's just not as bad as shitting your pants.
KID FURY: Both seem pretty horrifying.
CRISSLE: Right, neither one is something you would like, which would you choose over the other...
BRITTANY: Not desired outcomes...
CRISSLE: Both really bad... but there's just something about being a young girl and just getting used to your period and all that and the embarrassment of being in a swimming pool. But even at that age I think, you know, having your periods is less embarrassing than shitting yourself.
CRISSLE: I see why she lied for so long. I do... I see why she kept it up. Amazing.
KID FURY: I just can't relate.
BRITTANY: Sometimes it's good to acknowledge when you can't relate.
KID FURY: Yeah no I do it all the time... and for a lot of men, including myself, I am mature in many ways I think... but it's just as soon as the topic of period comes up, I'm just like uhhhh, and it's not there's anything wrong with it, it's just I can't imagine having to go through that for so... your whole life, just like the majority of your life... every month?!
KID FURY: God.
BRITTANY: It's really corny.
KID FURY: No, it just sounds like this whole cross to just have to bear because it's just who God made you, and then on top of that men are horrible to you too? It's just like, you just have to die, I have to bleed anyways... so you will too. That's how I'm look at it, but again this doesn't have anything to do with me.
BRITTANY: That was a reflection that I was not, I didn't even know I didn't even know I was going to get it... so I appreciate that. So I want to keep moving in the direction of the surprise element. Another clip that follows that same line of thinking, sort of like you think one thing's happening and then something else happens...
BRITTANY: Comes from a comedy podcast -- not a period podcast -- so, Kid Fury, you’re going to be alright.
KID FURY: No I'm fine.
BRITTANY: Okay, okay I just didn't want you to be stressed. I was worried… the next clip comes from a comedy podcast called Doug Loves Movies. So it's hosted by Doug Benson, and he talks about movies with his friends and oter comedians in front of a live audience. So his guests in this clip are actor Ben Schwartz--you might know him as Aziz Ansari’s best friend John Ralfio on the sitcom Parks and Recreation-- and actress Noel Wells who played Aziz Ansari’s girlfriend in his Netflix show Master of None. And they are talking about the movie Room, which is about a woman who was kidnapped and held in captivity for years. But the conversation takes uh... an unexpected turn when one of the guest decides to share a shocking story.
KID FURY: Oh lord.
BRITTANY: But the first voice you're going to hear in the clip is Doug's...
--------Clip from Doug Loves Movies---------
DOUG: What was the last movie you saw, Ben?
BEN: In theaters, I think it was, uh, Room. I think it was it...
BEN: Which was maybe my favorite, that and Mad Max were maybe my two favorite movies of the year.
DOUG: Shut up or I'll put you in a shed!
NOEL: Not again!
DOUG: Oh my god, know your audience!
NOEL: Anyway that movie was real good...
KID FURY: I don't.
CRISSLE: White people joke about the weirdest shit.
KID FURY: That is really dark.
KID FURY: And I feel like you can laugh at anything if you know how to make it funny. But that I couldn’t...
CRISSLE: Like I was laughing, and then I was like...
KID FURY: I was laughing because she was laughing.
KID FURY: The part about her going through life and trying to seem adjusted and like, being like I'm fine...
CRISSLE: That's funny right.
KID FURY: That's funny but the rest of it is terrible. Like that's so sad!
BRITTANY: No the thing that got me the most was like comedians specifically always believe that you can make anything funny. You can joke about anything, and it's fun. And you can hear them all be like "Oooookay."
KID FURY: They're trying, you can hear them trying to make it funny.
KID FURY: Because they're so like... WHAT.
CRISSLE: But it just feels like.
CRISSLE: She's probably still really traumatized about it... she doesn't really seem all the way over it... but okay! It was funny. To a point.
KID FURY: That was definitely a surprise turn. I did not see that coming.
BRITTANY: Ok so back to the surprise elements on YOUR show. Do you guys like feel that sometimes in your listener letters? because the ones, I don't what's in the inbox that we don't hear on the show, but sometimes I hear one on the show and I'm like, people are like, there's this guy like in my class, and then it'll end up like, you know, but should I throw him down a garbage shoot? It's just like, why, how did we get here?
CRISSLE: How did we get to this point? Yeah a lot of the emails are like that...
BRITTANY: Can you give me any examples of a listener letter, that made you feel like the Doug Loves Movies clip? Like where you started off reading it, and then you were like, what the fuck, how did we get here?
KID FURY: I just feel like there are so many.
CRISSLE: Right, I feel like that comprises a pretty decent chunk.
KID FURY: The one with the girl who fucked her cousin.
CRISSLE: Yeah the girl who fucked her cousin.
----------Clip from The Read's "The Mailbag"----------
KID FURY: “Dear Kid Fury and Crissle: so last year around this time I went to Kansas to meet some of my family on my mother's side for the first time and ended up having a girl and guy cousin my age. We all get along really well and hung out all weekend. As I spent more time with my male cousin, however, I started getting the vibes that I only get from guys who try to date me."
CRISSLE: OH NOOO.
KID FURY: "But I brushed the feeling off and chalked it up to my paranoia." *chuckles*
CRISSLE: NOPE. Mm-mm.
KID FURY: "Near the end of the weekend, my cousins and I were drinking together..."
CRISSLE: I'm actually gonna ask you to stop right there because I see where this is going--
KID FURY: "After my female cousin went to bed..."
CRISSLE: Nooooo! Nooooooooo!
KID FURY: "My male cousin immediately made a move on me--"
KID FURY: "We ended up hooking up."
KID FURY: You're like--
KID FURY: *laughing* "Afterwards, I felt super guilty because--"
CRISSLE: *dry heaving*
KID FURY: Okay, you might need some water.
KID FURY: Get-- there's some water right there in front of you. Sweetie...you almost killed my co-host, so I really don't appreciate this. "Afterwards, I felt super guilty because 1) we're fucking related. 2)--"
CRISSLE: Oh my GOD. OH MY G--
KID FURY: "I only hooked up with him because I was feeling lonely and was sooo thirsty for me."
KID FURY: She ended it by saying like... now this dude can't get enough of me, I don't know what his problem is...It was like, girl, but wait!
CRISSLE: Because the issue wasn't "I slept with my cousin,” it was "now he's caught feelings, what do I do about it..." And like, wait a minute girl, let's go back, because you fucked your cousin. Like I'm still there.
BRITTANY: I did listen to that episode. When I heard that listener letter for the first time, it just made all of my life problems seem insignificant by comparison. Well I have no response to that, so I think it’s actually time for a break.
KID FURY: Okay.
BRITTANY: Yes, how are you guys feeling about, about what you've heard so far?
KID FURY: I'm having a good time.
CRISSLE: Yes, I am intrigued about what we're going to hear later.
BRITTANY: Well I'm excited. We're going to pause for a quick break and then we will be back with more of... The Read.
———— AD BREAK————
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———————END AD BREAK———————
BRITTANY: Welcome back. We're here with Kid Fury and Crissle.
KID FURY: Still here.
BRITTANY: So before we play any more clips, I wanted to go back and talk a little bit more about your show.
BRITTANY: So... like on your show... you guys, you curse, you get angry, you obviously talk a lot of shit about famous people. You guys talk the way that people actually do with your friends. Because you guys are friends. And like that camaraderie really comes through very clearly in the show and I think that's a major draw for a lot of people. I heard about the show only a couple months after it first started coming out... the idea of just two black people talking the same way as I talked at home, was like, I had like a really, I had this office... I was going to call it intense it wasn't even intense, I had this office job that was like, dry, dry is a good way to put it.
KID FURY: Okay.
BRITTANY: But it was so nice to be able to like listen to you guys talking while I was at my desk like, maybe one day like, I'll fly away...
BRITTANY: And I won't have to be sitting here.
CRISSLE: A lot of people tell us that, that they like talk back to us in the car, and we just remind them of their friends... so...
KID FURY: I don't think that was intentional at first but I do like that about the show... that it feels very um …
KID FURY: And it feels like you're done talking with your friends. Because a lot of podcasts I think we're trying to emulate the sound of radio, and sound very, you know well put together and stuff... and neither one of us gave a shit, so we literally just went in there and started talking. We didn't think about money, we didn't think about doing live shows...
CRISSLE: Money wasn't even...
KID FURY: It wasn't until much later on that our producer Chris was like, okay, we're going to bring these in these advertisers, and I was like advertisers as in we're going to get checks for this? So I was like... you know we never really went into with like okay we're going to do this show and it's going to be sickening, or we're coming for all of the girls... and it's going to be bop bop bop bop... you ready bitch? Okay let's rehearse. Like we never, we just go and sit in the studio and talk. For three years, that's how it's been.
CRISSLE: Because I... did not think black people listened to podcasts. None of the black people I knew listened to podcasts.
KID FURY: Me neither.
CRISSLE: And the only podcast I listened to was This American Life, so I was like...we're gonna start a podcast and nobody is going to listen to this. It was just going to be like a hobby type thing, he literally came to me and was like, look we're going to go into the studio once and just talk.
KID FURY: And if you don't want to do it next week we don't have to...
CRISSLE: And if you don't want to do it again [laughter] we don't have to, it's no big deal... we're just gonna go in there and sit with this white man... it's no big deal... it's just like whatever.
KID FURY: And I'm not gonna tell you what to do, we're just gonna go into here and do whatever.. And we can quit whenever we want to...
CRISSLE: So we went in for the first episode and talked for an hour I think just about the weather.
KID FURY: Yeah we did!
CRISSLE: And Chris was like, Oh, I went ahead and cut that because it's a lot about the weather. And then we went onto the rest of the show...
KID FURY: It was our first winter in New York City...
CRISSLE: Probably that file has been lost forever, but...
KID FURY: It was literal like 60 minutes of bitching...
BRITTANY: So that bitching about the weather was like your first ever rant on the show. And since then, you have had many many rants. A classic one is obviously, obviously say no to fuckboys.
KID FURY: Yeah.
CRISSLE: Oh god. .
————Clip from The Read's “Say No to F**k Boys———————
BRITTANY: I really have been wanting to ask... where, where did it even come from?
CRISSLE: I think that day I was just fed up with men on the internet who were making all these demands of women, like constantly, just all this like... ladies you have to have this, or you have to be this, or if you don't have this you ain't... and I was just like, y'all are just like the most done nothing ass motherfuckers. Like how dare you demand that a woman be anything, when you offer nothing. It just made me want to reiterate to women, just say no to these men who are doing literally nothing for you, causing you nothing but stress. Like improving nothing, adding no value to your life, just leave them alone, just cut them off... I don't care how good the dick is, leave it alone. Because that's always what's hanging, hanging them up... in most of the listener letters, the ones that are like oh my boyfriend is so terrible... he's just the absolute worst. He keeps cheating on me....he's got six kids...
KID FURY: He shot my mom. He doesn’t clean up after himself.
CRISSLE: He slept with my sister.
KID FURY: He raised my car insurance by thousands of dollars. But I love him. Or but he has these really great qualities too. And I'm like because he takes you to town in the sack,
CRISSLE: That's what it always boils down to, so I'm just trying to get women to get past the dick and like, look at the person.
BRITTANY: I actually went back and checked... The “Fuck Boys” rant is like almost three years old at this point?
KID FURY: Yeah.
BRITTANY: I remember exactly... I want to say... Oh, I was freshly out, I mean like maybe 7 to 10 days out of a relationship when that came out... I remember where I was. Oh also I had lost my job four days before then.
KID FURY: Jesus.
BRITTANY: Yeah, so I was like in some type of way. And I remember hearing that on the train going... I don't know where I was going, I don't have a job... but... I was... headed somewhere, and you were naming, I think one of them was like, your mom hates them your dad hates them, your brother wants to beat his ass. And then you hit this one where you were like, he can't mix with white people...
CRISSLE: You can't take him around white people...
BRITTANY: You can't take him to a job function.... I literally almost fell out and died...
CRISSLE: Because we all know that one that you can not take in a professional setting. They do not know how to turn on the white people filter. They do not know how to act in a setting where you need them to act right... normally I don't care about how you act around white people, but if it's in the context of like my job... or like something that I have to do in a professional capacity, I need you to be able to fake it with me.
BRITTANY: That's basic home training.
CRISSLE: Like and you just can't do it. So girl why you even bothering with him? You can't even take him to the job function.
BRITTANY: Well, really, I appreciate that I honestly truly need that at that point. It didn't really actually sink in, if I really examine my own behavior, it didn't sink in until probably about June or May of last year, but... since then, the course correction has been fantastic, so...
CRISSLE: Amen. Amen. I'm so glad it did something for you.
BRITTANY: So I really enjoy the reads, or the take downs that you do at the end of your shows. Especially when you go in on someone who deserves it or a group of somebody’s who really deserve it.
One that really stuck out to me was one you did like a week after the shooting of Michael Brown and the subsequent riots in Ferguson, Missouri…
I’m going to play a little bit of that:
——————Clip from The Read's “The Mailbag"——————
BRITTANY: The reads where you talk about social justice issues are obviously the most powerful, but it seems like those can just be exhausting. Like emotionally draining. How does that affect you?
CRISSLE: Sometimes I just can't do it... sometimes I am just so worn out from what happened that week. Like when there’s just been one black death after another, and then another police officer wasn’t indicted it, and then another... sometimes i'm focusing on things that annoy me in a different way, more personal way, something that is heavier and tougher like that because there's only so much of it I can take so... it's not even that I find myself not wanting to talk about some of the harder topics, it's just that I know, going there, and staying in that frame of mind, like it's going to put me like in a sadder place. ‘Cause it really gets to be a lot when you decide to pay attention to all the inequalities that are going on, and every single experience of racial injustice that makes the news... it just gets to be, like almost completely overwhelming.
KID FURY: And I don't want to hear all this shit. Like, like honestly. It's a comedy show, the whole purpose of the show was to be light and fun and comedic... it just so happens that all of these crazy things have been happening over the past few years and we’re not gonna not talk about it. We would talk about it anyway... but it's also exhausting. And... neither of us feel this obligation to talk about something. I know plenty of people at home like to just be mad. I generally like to be in a good mood and if I’m not in a good mood or if I don't feel like hollerin’ at somebody or whatever that week, I'm just going to do whatever I can to stay sane. And somedays I don't want to cuss on no white cops, I don't want to cuss out no racist politicians, I'd rather talk about why Chase bank is really screwed up. Or something that's lighter and easier to deal with because I'm not going to drive myself crazy, I don't know how all these activists, how they do that every single day, without like... strong prayer and fellowship. I don't, I can't, me personally. I cannot do it.
CRISSLE: Yeah, and I feel the same way. So it’s like balancing that feeling with also, you know... really making sure that I'm not censoring myself. Making sure that I'm not avoiding topics that I do feel like should be talked about, and I just don't want to put the energy into it, like making sure I find the balance in between that.
BRITTANY: So I want to actually take the operation to something we'd been circling around... um which is music, which is like a huge part of like, anybody who listens to your show, you guys love music. And you have certain artists that you love, like we've featured you guys talking, just talking about something that Beyonce has made, twice already on this show... um, so in this next clip, we're going to bring you two artists who you like to talk about on your show, Adele and Drake. So it's from this podcast called Switched on Pop, which is a show that picks apart and examines pop songs. It's hosted by Nate Sloan and Charlie Harding, and in this clip, they're drawing parallels between two of the biggest hits of this past year, Drake's “Hotline Bling” and Adele's “Hello.” So the first voice you're going to here is Nate.
----------Clip from Switched on Pop-----------
NATE: There’s a remarkable collision between these two songs… I mean they’re both kind of investigating relationships that are supposed to be over but there’s some lingering feeling there.
[Adele singing: “Well, At least I can say that I’ve tried.”]
CRISSLE: How cute is that?
KID FURY: That was hilarious.
CRISSLE: White people be going deep.
KID FURY: Like that was really hilarious.
BRITTANY: Have either of you ever thought that hard about either one of those songs... ?
CRISSLE: Both of them are pop records that were huge records, and that was that... I mean I would've never thought to draw that many parallels between those two songs... never.
KID FURY: I don't think I would've, just because that's what they both do. Drake always writes a song about some ex-girlfriend that he still kind of sort of loves, and she kind of sort of wants him back now because he's poppin’, and he kind of wants to get back with her but no, because Rihanna now... it's like, he does it... And then it's the same thing with with Adele, it's just really somber and loud.
BRITTANY: I'm not a big Adele person, just myself...
KID FURY: Okay, that’s fair.
BRITTANY: I just have never been able to fully get into her. I think she's really talented. I think she's got great eye makeup. A beautiful voice. I couldn't get all the way invested, but people, people are rabid for this woman, and obviously people love Drake. There are a lot of people who would love for them to collaborate.
KID FURY: I just can't hear it...
CRISSLE: They're gonna have to battle over who sings.
BRITTANY: That's the first thought I had... who is crying?
KID FURY: No they don't.
BRITTANY: Actually I'm not going to lie, I would be curious about an Adele-Drake collaboration, just because like...
KID FURY: I'd listen to it...
BRITTANY: Exactly, because if it happened I'd be like, how why when... what is this looking like…?
CRISSLE: I might listen to a Drake feature on an Adele song, depending on the song.
KID FURY: You know I feel the opposite.
KID FURY: I feel like I would listen to Adele like doing, maybe some harmonies or some background on a Drake song... I just don't want, that just seems like they would do it just to do it, because both of them are poppin’.
BRITTANY: Like a reason to make money.
KID FURY: Yeah, like no....
CRISSLE: I don't think Adele does anything for money at this point...
KID FURY: I mean for like... promo, publicity, there's never not enough of that.
CRISSLE: That's true. But she just, she doesn't sell her life like of the rest of these celebrities do. I feel like she makes an effort to... let people know that she's human like...
KID FURY: She goes to fucking Target and buys coloring books for her baby...
CRISSLE: She's been like I've been out here raising my child. I look a mess every day... I'm at the playground.
KID FURY: Like she's regular. I like that about her. Drake is singing about pouring champagne on strippers and then taking them home and praying with them... and I like that too, but it just doesn't mix...
CRISSLE: Drake just falls in love with every stripper that he meets... every stripper that he is...
BRITTANY: He has a big heart.
CRISSLE: He does...
KID FURY: I love Drake.
CRISSLE: I do too...
BRITTANY: For some reason I trust him, like if I needed an opinion about something I'd feel comfortable asking him.
KID FURY: Right, like if you fell over on the street, Drake would be like "Are you alright? Let me help you up..." Like he would be concerned about your needs.
CRISSLE: Like genuine in that way... but also a little bit of a misogynist. Just a little bit...
BRITTANY: Um... a smattering.
KID FURY: But I also feel like Drake probably has like some real scallywags, who be trying to like, drug him... and poke holes in his condom, and set him up...
CRISSLE: I'm sure he does...
KID FURY: He probably [hates] a few girls...
CRISSLE: Drake has probably learned to be a little more discerning about who he allows in his house...
KID FURY: Right, absolutely.
BRITTANY: Speaking of celebrity relationship advice...uh, you guys that actually brings us to our very last clip.
KID FURY and CRISSLE: OK!
BRITTANY: So last clip is going back to the elements, that I brought up in the beginning, the surprise and delight... it's no.. it's not...
KID FURY: I just hope it doesn't involve bodily fluids...
BRITTANY: No... actually it doesn't. For a second I had to pause and think "Does it?"
CRISSLE: You had to think about it...
BRITTANY: Yeah I had to think about it... so this is from the podcast Anna Faris is Unqualified. So in this show, actress Anna Faris interviews other famous people and also doles out love and relationship advice that she, well she claims that she is totally unqualified to give.
KID FURY: I hope I'm not about to stop liking Anna Faris.
BRITTANY: [laughs] So her guest in this episode is Shaquille O'Neal.
KID FURY: Oh lord.
KF and CRISSLE: Oh, father god.
BRITTANY: So Anna and her co-host slash producer Sim Sarna are interviewing Shaq. And through this interview, we actually hear a more vulnerable side of Shaquille O’Neal:
-------------Clip from Anna Faris Is Unqualified----------
ANNA: Do you remember your first crush growing up?
SHAQ: My first real crush?
SHAQ: I’ve never seen it.
KID FURY: Aw Shaq.
KID FURY: I actually feel bad for kind of feeling like that was going to be horrible.
CRISSLE: First of all that's a stone cold lie...
BRITTANY: What's a lie?
CRISSLE: Shaq has certainly seen a lot of groupies in his heyday. Like I don't believe that he... right... You've never seen girls lining up for you? I mean...
KID FURY: Your wife was on TV talking about how you cheated on her. With groupies! My nigga, you was just dating Hoopz, you just dated Hoopz. Oh my gosh, Hoopz introduced herself to the world as a groupie. Flav-flav at that.
CRISSLE: She made out with Flavor-Flav.
KID FURY: On national television.
CRISSLE: And you dated for her years.
KID FURY: For like years, took her on TV....
CRISSLE: But you want us to believe you never had groupies. Sir, sir stop the lies...
KID FURY: It's okay, Shaq.
CRISSLE: Stop it, That part was clearly bullshit. But the rest, that was cuter than I thought it would be...
KID FURY: That was kind of the woody part, he could've kept that to his self...
CRISSLE: You could've just said that was the first time I knew I was attracted to somebody.
BRITTANY: That was actually, I kept trying to be like... how else do you describe that? Like that.
KID FURY: And does he sound like he's had, like finishing smoking five blunts and waiting to cough.
CRISSLE: He did have a little like, you need to clear your throat brother? Cuz you’re just kind of… you look gravelly...
KID FURY: They don’t have no water for you?
CRISSLE: It's Shaq, it’s Shaq. That was adorable.
KID FURY: It was still a cute story.
BRITTANY: If you had any relationship advice for Shaquille O'Neal?
KID FURY: Oh no.. okay, uh...
BRITTANY: [laughs] What would it be?
CRISSLE: Probably don't. Whatever you think you...
KID FURY: I was literally going to say that. Just don't.
CRISSLE: Whatever decision you think you're about to make, as it regards to women, just don't do it.
KID FURY: Stop dating these little young, hot... like bodycon-dress-wearing girls. Stop it. Stop it... not that there's anything wrong with that, but you need to date.
CRISSLE: That's her whole wardrobe...
KID FURY: Whole...
CRISSLE: Her whole wardrobe is bodycon...
KID FURY: Stop dating these free before 11 girls. Let them have their time with girl, with guys their own age, that are going to treat them like trash... you need to treat somebody your own age like trash.
CRISSLE: Yes. Exactly.
KID FURY: You need to marry, or date a grown-ass woman who is independent of you and don't need you and don't have time for you because she's been paying bills her whole life by herself. That's who Shaq needs to date.
BRITTANY: Well, were you guys surprised and or delighted by anything you heard today?
KID FURY: I was surprised by a few things...
CRISSLE: I was surprised by the entire show.
BRITTANY: Well shit. Okay [laughs]
KID FURY: I was surprised by the... kidnapping story. That is still like, I hope she's okay [laughs]
CRISSLE: Right that had an impact.
KID FURY: That was odd. And The first one was gross.
BRITTANY: Period, shit, shit you bathing suit...
KID FURY: Shit, shit in your bathing suit...
CRISSLE: That was hilarious...
KID FURY: That was so funny though.
KID FURY: The clips were surprising... the rest of the show was a delight.
CRISSLE: Yeah this was fun...
BRITTANY: That is very sweet, I'm so glad..
KID FURY: That was the only way I could word it. Because every clip... was like WHAT.
BRITTANY: Well I'm glad that you guys came tonight. Thank you so much.
CRISSLE: Thank you for having us...
KID FURY: Yeah I had a good time.
CRISSLE: Yes, this was a good time.
BRITTANY: Alright so that is another one crossed off the Sampler bucket list.
To recap my podcast playlist for Kid Fury and Crissle…
The bathing suit shitting, period cover up story came from the Crimson Wave. Thanks to Ellie Gordon-Moershel for alerting us to that clip!
The kidnapping reveal by Noel Welles came from Doug Loves Movies. Special thanks to Jennifer Liao for sending that our way!
The imagined collaboration between Drake and Adele was from Switched on Pop.
And the story of Shaquille O’Neal’s first crush was from the podcast Anna Faris is Unqualified.
This episode was produced by Rose Reid, Sarah Abdurrahman, and myself with help from Kate Parkinson-Morgan.
It was edited by Annie-Rose Strasser.
Our theme music was made by Micah Vellian and our ad music was made by Mark Phillips.
The show was mixed by Matthew Boll and David Herman.
Sampler is a production of Gimlet Media.
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